Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize