Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
