u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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