I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize