mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
