my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Acid is not a monday night drug
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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