I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
