your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
