So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
how drunk are you?
Several
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
