We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
