He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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