I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
