who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
