my room smells like sperm. sweet.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
