Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
