ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You have to summon your inner elephant
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
