Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
