i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
