I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
