Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
