So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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