she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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