I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
