My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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