Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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