hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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