do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
