I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
