Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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