For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
