I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
