went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
