i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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