Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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