I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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