Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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