a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
