I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
