I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
