paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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