I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
