So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
MIDGETS
????
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
