I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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