After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
