she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
