Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Randomize
