i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
