Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
