i just made my gag reflex go away.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize