i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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