So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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