I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
3pm strippers are depressing
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Randomize
