it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Randomize
