So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
