I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
