my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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