ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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