I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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