it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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