he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
