So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
