then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
