if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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