so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
