i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
