I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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