Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
