I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
